This post actually isn't my own work or my own words. I got
all of this from this little 64 page, redish in color book called “Laws of Dating” by Mike Tucker. It was
released in 2007 and is an amazingly powerful book, which changed my view on
relationships and what they should and shouldn’t be back in 2010 when I bought
it and read it. So I just wanted to share it on my blog page as I think it’s a
great teaching tool. This book sums up 10 different laws of dating which I’m
going to mention here briefly. They are designed to spare you as much pain as
possible, both now and in the years to come in the world of dating,
relationships, and marriage. For a more complete in depth detail on these topics
and each of the 10 laws I’m going to list, please read the whole book “Laws of
Dating” by Mike Tucker. You can still get it online like I did for cheap or
read it online at the link I posted at the end of this blog. I will now just
give you a taste of what is said straight from Mike Tucker from each of the 10
laws. The full book is great, it changed my outlook, and I recommend it for
people of all ages. Hope you give it a read!!
Law #1: If it isn’t
easy and it isn’t fun, break up!
“You shouldn't spend a great deal of time trying to repair a
relationship if it’s going to be very difficult to maintain. Learn which of
your partner’s personality traits, values, beliefs, or life circumstances make
it difficult for the two of you to be in a relationship and then date some one
who doesn’t have those characteristics. Also deal with your personal
relationship problems first and then date. You will find that when you do so,
you will be attracted to healthier people and you will be more attractive to
the people with whom a relationship is easy and fun….and when problems do arise
in the relationship, you will be able to identify them as relationship problems
rather then personal problems.”
Law #2: Date only
people whom you would consider marrying
“If a primary purpose of dating is mast selection, then it
makes sense to restrict your dating to people who might qualify as marriage
candidates. Since you will likely marry someone you date, you provide a measure
of safety by keeping that group rather small and excluding those who wouldn’t
make a suitable marriage partner. If a
candidate doesn’t possess one of your non-negotiable characteristics, move on.
Don’t waste your time dating people who wouldn’t make a suitable marriage
partner. Let’s take this a step further. If you are a fully devoted follower of
Jesus Christ, not only should the person you marry be a fully devoted follower
of Jesus Christ too, but that person should share some, if not all of your
beliefs. For example, I’m a Seventh-day Adventist Christian. That means, among
other things, that I attend church on Saturday instead of Sunday. While on the
surface this may appear to some to be a small matter, let me assure you that
this can be a major stumbling block to a successful marriage. If one marriage
partner attends church on Saturday and the other on Sunday, both will find
themselves attending church alone. This practice isn’t conducive to a
satisfying marriage. Some might agree to go to church on both Saturday and
Sunday every week, but that rarely lasts more than a few months. Others agree
to respect their partner’s religious practices while holding onto their own,
but this can be less than satisfying since your partner rarely shares your
experiences of spiritual growth. This can cause you to grow apart. Still others
even live with an uneasy truce in religious matters. This is most unsatisfying.
The real trouble comes when children arrive on the scene. Then the question
becomes in which denomination the couple will raise their children. If the
couple chooses to go together to the church that one of them belong to, the one
whose church was rejected often feels resentment about the choice. So, some
couples agree to choose neither denomination, thinking they will allow the
children to make their own decision when they are old enough. However, research
shows that children from such unions rarely choose either denomination. Most
often, they are so confused that they tend to remain un-churched as adults.”
Law 3: If your partner uses/abuses alcohol, prescription
medications, illegal drugs, or mind/mood altering substances of any kind, break
up!!
“When people begin to use or abuse alcohol or any other
legal or illegal drug, their emotional development stops that very day. We
haven’t even begun to speak of the other problems associated with addictions.
These problems can include such things as financial stress, emotional
distancing, loss of touch with reality, health problems, infidelity, extreme
and persistent dishonesty, vulnerability to disease, self hatred, self harm,
lack of dependability, suicidal ideations, and deep guilt and shame. This list
is nowhere near exhaustive, but none of the things mentioned here are ever
conductive to forming strong relationships. Don’t date people with addictions.
Pray for them. Participate in an intervention with them, and get them to
someone who can help them.”
Law 4: If your dating partner is physically sexually, or
verbally abusive, break up!
“Let’s get a few things straight. Abuse is always wrong.
Abuse is never the fault of the victim; it’s always the responsibility and
fault of the abuser. There is never a time when abuse is permissible or even
excusable. Abuse should never be tolerated or kept secret. God doesn’t want you
to live in an abusive situation. To live with abuse is not a sign of spiritual
maturity. Those who abuse are unhealthy and aren’t fit for dating, never mind
for marriage.”
Law 5: Before you date, know how far is too far
“What I can say is that you must set those boundaries before
you date. When you’re in a moment of romance or passion, it’s to late to make
that decision. When you’ve set your boundaries, if the person you are dating
doesn’t respect them, it’s time to break up. Your boundaries are an expression
of your values, of who you are at your core. Whoever disrespects those
boundaries is disrespecting you. Mutual respect is a hallmark of successful
relationships. It is unrealistic to expect that someone who fails to respect
you before marriage will suddenly change and begin to show respect when you’re
married.”
Law 6: If either party needs to rescue, fix, or change or to
be rescued, fixed, or changed, break up!
“The old saying is that on her wedding day the bride has
only three things on her mind: The aisle, the alter, and him—as in “I’ll alter
him!” It is a mistake to think that you can change someone. Don’t date for the
potential you see in a person, date only for what you actually see today in
that person. Don’t try to “fix” your dating partner. If your partner needs to
be fixed or if you want to fix him or her, yours is a relationship in trouble.
Rescuing or being rescued implies a co-dependent relationship. This often
happens in cases of addictions or in cases where one party has poor
self-esteem. Some forms of mental illness or mental imbalance may also result
in a person’s feeling a need to be rescued. But rescuing is an unhealthy
behavior, and needing to be rescued is also unhealthy. You may feel good when
you can rescue the person you’re dating. Maybe you can get them out of their
bad mood or fix their problems or keep them from getting drunk or using drugs.
While this may bring some measure of satisfaction now think about what it would
be like to be married to that person. Think of spending every day of the rest
of your life rescuing the person who lives in the same house with you. Think of
never having space from that person. Think of all the emotional, physical,
mental, and spiritual energy you’ll have to expend to keep that person’s
spirits up. Is that really the way you want to spend the rest of your life?”
Law 7: If either party tends to control, dominate, or
isolate the other party from friends or family, break up!
“Controlling behavior, especially when it isolates an
individual from family and friends, is often a precursor to abuse. This is
dangerous behavior and must not be tolerated. The desire to control, dominate,
or isolate often grows from very poor self-esteem. People who control do so
because they believe that this is the only way they can keep the object of
their affection. They believe that if they allowed their beloved freedom of
choice, their beloved would choose to leave—and they are desperately fearful of
losing the object of their affection. They believe that such a major rejection
would validate their worst fear—that they are so inferior and broken as to
render them unlovable. Their fear borders on paranoia and can become violent.”
Law 8: If you find it difficult to talk or to be accurately
understood or if you find that the two of you avoid unpleasant issues in the
relationship, break up!
“Communication is an important key to any lasting
relationship. It is important that you marry someone with whom you find communication
to be easy. Therefore, you should date only people with whom you communicate
well. What makes communication satisfying? First mutual understanding should be
the norm, not the exception. If most of the time you are misunderstood or you
misunderstand your partner, your communication is neither effective nor
satisfying. Mutual understand provides increased feelings of love, acceptance,
and value. Wouldn’t you like to have these things in your marriage?” When
communication results in fights, emotional outbursts, name-calling, or personal
attacks, it has a destructive effect on the relationship. Words can wound or
heal. The wounds may not be visible, but they exist just the same. No amount of
“I’m sorry’s” can take them away, and the scars can last for years. Satisfying
communication is communication that is free of words that wound.”
Law 9: If you’ve been the victim of molestation, incest, or
rape, get help before you date seriously.
“Statistics on the prevalence of sexual abuse vary, but
suffice it to say in the United States, among women who have reached twenty-one
years of age, somewhere between one-fourth and one-third have experienced some
form of molestation, incest, or rape. One study declared that 16 percent of men
had also been the victims of sexual crime in childhood. Add to this the number
of young men who are exposed to pornography at an early age, and you have a
picture of childhood in America that is quite alarming. Children in this
country aren’t nearly as safe as we would like to believe. It is sickening when
those who are least able to defend themselves have experienced such unspeakable
crimes! Victims of sexual crimes suffer more than just physical harm. The most
devastating effects are emotional, mental, and relational. Trust is difficult to
achieve, and genuine intimacy seems impossible. Guilt, shame, fear, anger, and
even addictive behavior can dominate the life of the victim of abuse. Most
victims internalize the guilt of what happened to them, even blaming themselves
for the abuse rather than blaming the offender. They feel that something must
be wrong with them.”
Law 10: Surrender your dating life and your sexuality to
Jesus
“Jesus invented the whole concept of sexuality. It was His
idea and His creation. What makes us think we can improve on the Manufacturer’s
plan for this wonderful invention? We can’t! Some Christians have denigrated
and ignored the body, seeing it as “earthly” and therefore inherently sinful
and even disgusting to God. They see sexual pleasure, even within the confines
of marriage, as being a sin of the flesh or as very unspiritual activity.
Nothing could be further from the truth. Sexuality is by nature a very
spiritual experience. Students of human behavior have often observed that there
exists a very strong link between spirituality and sexuality.”
The Three Components of Committed Love
True marital love consists of three components: Passion,
intimacy, and commitment.
1. Passion – It is the longing or desire that
lovers have for each other. It is the stuff of sexual attraction and romance
and sensuality. Passion is the motivation side of love. Often it is stronger in
the early stages of a relationship, fostered by a rapidly growing physical
attraction. On the negative side, passion can also be possessive or even obsessive.
Passion can move lovers to an extreme level of preoccupation with one another.
2. Intimacy – It is the emotional side of love.
Intimacy is simply knowing and being know. It is the knowing a person
well—knowing their thoughts, beliefs, values, likes, dislikes, and history. It
means knowing everything—good and bad—and still accepting the other person for
who he or she is. Intimacy provides that “soulmate” quality that so many seek
in a relationship. If love is to be fulfilling, there must be an open sharing of
every aspect of life. Openness, communication, honesty, sharing, and support
are all necessary for intimacy to occur.
3. Commitment – It is a dogged determination to
make a relationship work. It is the rock-solid promise to be there for the
other person, uniting one’s life with the others, regardless of circumstances.
Commitment is the cognitive and willful side of love. It is the promise to be
there “until death do us part”. It provides certainty in a world of
uncertainty. It declares, “I love you because of who you are, not because of
what you do or how I feel.
Every relationship will have its ebbs and flows. However,
for any love relationship to be strong, it must have a balance of passion,
intimacy, and commitment. Having only two of those elements is something less
then healthy. Those who have passion and commitment with no intimacy have
foolish love. Commitment and intimacy without passion is companionship love.
Passion and intimacy without commitment is romantic love. Only those who have
passion, intimacy, and commitment have true love—the love it takes to make a
marriage last. Those who wish to build a great love should aim to grow each of
these three elements.
The Laws of
Dating Book to Check out / Read:
